31/03/2014

Yesterday was another warm and sunny day which was wasted in doors. Laura had her mum, nan and sister visit for mothers day and after seeing what she had got her sister for her birthday has given me and idea of what to get my mum and dad at some point. Had a brief talk with my parents, they had gone to visit my gran.

Barely got any sleep last night as it was too hot. I did have a very annoying dream though. Seriously what is wrong with me, dreaming of the two of them together. Had a meeting with Sam  to work on our presentation. He is the most useless person to work with, nice enough guy though. Had a lecture which was good, feeling more at ease about my exam. Blew off rotoract meeting as didn't see much point.

29/3/2014

Never got to watch Nashville as the big reunion was on for an hour and a half. Didn't mind as that show brings back memories.

Handed in my liberty and extreamism essay though I think I will regret not sending William drafts of it first but i'm too scared. Lecture was really annoying as he kept showing us art work and as someone pointed out, we are not art students. At least the lecture finished early.

Had quite a pleasant evening in with Laura and Lloyd drinking wine and watching googlebox which was hilarious as normal. At the end of the night a feeling of sadness setted in and has stayed with me all day.

Feeling still that I have so much work. Really struggling with presenting events.

27/3/2014

Where to start with yesterday? Now I know he is on placement so its stupid how I still wonder everyday if im going to see him. Well in the morning I had this odd feeling about it. Basically one of my worst fears came true. He has joined my sanctuary. I couldn't believe it, so embarrassing. I can just about deal with Robin being there, but him. Total FML. Anyway I was just left feeling glum the rest of the day. Got a text off Lloyd saying that the rest of them were in town and inviting me to join them for a drink. So a glass of wine at O'Neill's, a Kiwi Sutura cocktail at slug which was lush. Then we had dinner at Mumbai Spice. Had a nice chicken tandoori madras which wasn't as spicy as I was expecting. Wish I had got a starter or side. We then got after 8 mints with the bill and then went home for a boring night in.

Today has been horrible, I will now always be scared when going to my sanctuary, and felt I was barely over the trauma of yesterday. Shit time with my group meeting. So much work. Had my picture taken and felt insulted that my name wasn't on the list, they even had the name of the American guy who is only here for this semester. Also found out the time of our presentation.

25/3/2014

Detention last night was really good, but I was sad that they didn't finish with the normal song; Queen's bohemian rhapsody. I saw Robin there and he actually said hello to me for the first time since first year. However Detention will always be ruined for me despite having a great time it will never be as good as when I met him properly. Had a really nice drink; mouldy pirate and I don't thing that I paid for any of my own drinks as Lloyd bought them all for me.

Had a really nice white chocolate mocha and bumped into Rishi which is always nice and cheery. Sainsburys was annoying because of the guy who served me and my nectar voucher didn't go through. Rest of the day has been shit.

Boring Sundays

Had quite a detailed dream last night. Mainly involving lillybeth and Liam, even though I am still yet to meet him. Lots of random stuff in the dream, I remember there being a snake and Liam was going to buy my car off me. Havent done much today. Watched Bambi and realised that its not one of my favourite Disney films. Made plans to go to Detention tomorrow night, well it cant be any worse that the last time I went. Feel bad as I need to do uni work and finding it all very overwhelming.

23/3/2014

Nashville had a cracking ending Thursday night. Yesterday morning I found it weird how I now keep bumping into robin. I also had a very nice cookie from the learning cafe for sports relief . Not happy with the comments off Iona for our events stuff.

Got home just in time before it started raining. Laura, Lloyd and me went to oneils for dinner and drinks. Had a nice meal. Found out who Lloyd is seeing. Nice evening over all, ended up in weatherspoons and Lloyd ending up offending Laura by saying she had affirmed his gayness. Got home and Lloyd told us about his health problems which none of us had any idea about.

Today was an open day at the uni, hate those. My parents came down to visit and went for lunch at the royal oak. They have a new menu and had a nice meal from there. People on the table behind us were really annoying as they were talking really loud. They were also playing some geek game and they were joined later by a weird guy who I often see around uni. The girl said that everyone at the uni is weirdo. Missing home.

20/3/2014

Had a bad nights sleep as I was stressing over events. I don't think I can work in that industry as I smiley don't have the passion for it.

I was annoyed this morning as Bianca has been eating my golden nuggets cereal. Lecture was boring. Got my laptop back and it was good at first as I installed Microsoft office easily enough but it won't let me go on any website other than the homepage which is really taking the piss. Seriously how much more is going to go wrong. Simply don't have time for this shit.

19/3/2014

Had a few laughs last night. Rebecca came round to borrow some shoes for a photo shoot. Never got to have a bath last night as it was occupied and I wanted to watch vampire diaries, which wasn't as good as the last few episodes.

Lots of things were making me angry this morning for no real reason. Used my last voucher for a rocky road which was lush. Had a voicemail saying my laptop is ready but I'm going to wait till tomorrow to pick it up.

18/3/2014

Campus was horrible, with people trying to get me to vote for them. Found it funny that Carole was in a mascot suite and said hello, but I didn't recognise her due to being in a mascot suite. Did get some sweets, which I couldn't get into. Found it hilarious that luke is running for president. His pics are very badly photo shopped and don't think I could stand to see him become SU president.

Lecture was funny when seeing the hate groups, seriously general hate, wouldn't the other members hate each other. At some point in the lecture Facebook changed, don't like it. Enjoyed the rotoract meeting. A Rotarian was there and did a presentation on Uganda. Very inspiring and I would love to go there with them and help with the volunteering. Went to the Kkb afterwards and used my voucher for a free pizza, which was quite nice.

Met with Sam to work on our trade show, we started late as I didn't see him and I don't think he saw me. Still annoyed at not having a laptop.

16/3/2014

Clear blue sky again today. I can't even remember rain, ha, but I should have remember to wear sunglasses. The netbook I got today, the person who had to before me was rishi as he left his email up. Rang my gran as today is her birthday. Also got a call off my mum, the place they took my gran out for lunch wasn't great as they had to complain. But they got a third off their meal and some food vouchers.

15/3/2014

Fed up with laptop problems. Had problems with the netbook, got quite angry with it. Went to a house party last night which was good. When we got back, Lloyd bought us dominoes, which I got really excited about. Had some garlic bread as well and saved my pizza for today.

Very hungover today, but I did manage to finish my liberty and extremism essay. Picked my essay film, dreading it. At least I had my fav pizza to look forward to, which I very much enjoyed. Had a lazy librarian, picked up my reserved book and he told my to check it out at the kiosk when he could have just done it there and then.

13/3/2014

Presenting events is stressing me out even more, I keep finding more to do. People in my group annoying me, I feel like no one listens or cares. Had to get a net book out, not ideal but it's better than nothing I suppose. Drove  to currys with my laptop and there was some drama on the way with a bus. Anyway, my laptop has the same issue as last time, do probs won't get it back for another week.

As I learnt in lecture today, deep breaths, as it's impossible to be stressed and breathe deeply at the same time. I also learnt some Shakespearean insults.

12/3/2014

Another good episode of the vampire diarys last night, and I had the company of Lloyd to watch it with. Not sure about what Katherine has done, I knew she wouldn't die, but they did have me going.

Today has been horrible. Wednesdays are boring anyway and it was just like all the others until I got home. My laptop broke, again. Why is it always me. I can't afford to not be doing work and now I can't do anything. I was so close to finishing one of my essays. This is just so frustrating and I just want to cry and smash the stupid laptop up. I'm fed up of this happening, it's only been 3 months since it last broke.

11/3/2014

Yesterday uni was full of people handing in their dissertations but I was not celebrating with them, despite it being my hand in day. Went to my lecture and was one of the few who were there.

Today has gone so quick. Spent most of the day in West Downs with my group but I feel like I am getting know where with my group, and Sam is as useless as me. Wish I knew how to do a Gantt chart. At least I have TVD to look forward to.

9/3/2014

Had a dream about Fiji last night, probably due to getting an email about what to bring, starting to feel more stressed about it, I think as the reality sets in more.

Woke up really early and it was clear blue skies which makes a change. Also quite warm today. A little annoyed this morning as Lloyd kept pottering around. Got to eat some crème egg brownies, but they don't taste as nice as the ones last week and they were also more burned. Face timed my parents after dad told me to, and they had Katie and Naomi round, which was a surprise. James messaged me inviting me to a party in Stafford in 2 weeks, but I don't think I will go as I have too much work, and getting to Stafford is just too much effort and I will feel kinda awkward as I don't know anyone other than him. Benji also invited me to a gig his band is playing, but I can't make it but I should be able to go to the one in April.

8/3/2014

Felling quite stressed over my dissertation as there are bits I missed out such as acknowledgements and an abstract. But its too late to do anything about it now. There were only 6 of us in the lecture and I actually spoke. Overall a good lecture and a good film; Gran Torino. Charles left in the break, said he was going to write his dissertation, wasn't sure what he is doing it on, all I got was labour saving devices, not sure how that relates to American Studies, I was also shocked that he still had to an assignment for American Conspiracies and that was last semester.

Spent the evening in with the housemates drinking wine. Gogglebox started again last night, but I have no memory of it, don't remember much of last night to be honest. Bianca and Laura tried to get my vibrator to work but broke it more, so not happy about that.

Woke up at about 4 still dressed, not classy. Very hungover this morning. Got a load of books out of the library for my essay which I have no idea what i'm doing, if im honest I think I will struggle to pass this module. Also I was annoyed that the SU shop didn't have any crème eggs, but i'll stop at the shop on my way home tomorrow and get some hopefully. When I got in the house smelt divine as Bianca had baked more crème egg brownies, but she hasn't offered me any. Also, im fed up with seeing carphone warehouse adverts as they remind me of a certain person.

6/3/2014

Last night I had a random friend request from an Adam guy who goes to the uni and we have 12 mutual friends. He then sent me a message congratulating me on handing in my dissertation. Quite weird how he knows that and that he is messaging me on facebook.

Got the full idea of just how much work I need to do for Presenting Events. I feel like I am drowning in work and there is just not enough time. I hope I can sleep well tonight, I did last night and had another quite detailed dream, at least i'm not getting bored in my sleep, ha. I dreamt that I was back home, it felt bittersweet.

5/3/2014

Really enjoyed watching the Vampire Diarys last night. Quite sinister, shocked that it was Damon who broke up with Elena, and was sad at the ending, what is happening to Katherine, I don't want her to die, she is one of my favourite characters.

Got my dissertation binded but when I went to the faculty office to hand it in they said it needed the cover sheet, well the standard one. I eventually found it on the learning network, as it wasn't there the other day when I looked. But I printed that off and she said she would put it together with an elastic band, so hopefully it will be ok.

In the afternoon I met a couple of the other girls doing the exhibition and Fiona picked us up to take us to Hampshire Wardrobe to try on outfits. I have a civilian outfit and look like an extra from Downton Abbey. When we were leaving they mentioned that the girl who wasn't there could be widower. Why didn't she mention that before, I would have done that part as black is my colour. Got dropped off in town, where I picked up a few things before getting the bus back. Also whilst I was procrastinating today I took a quiz for which period of history do you belong in and I got Renaissance Italy. The first thing that came to my mind was The Borgias. Well I do like that period of history.

4/3/2014

Had a terrible nights sleep on sunday. Barely got any sleep. Woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep, so went in fb out of boredom and found that they are officially in a relationship. A fresh wave of anguish. I also had a horrible dream where my dad died from swallowing his tongue. Spent the day on Monday feeling like I was hungover or jet lagged because of my lack of sleep. When I was killing time in the learning café before going to the rotoaract meeting I could see down into the foodhall and saw a group of Americans including her. I noticed that she was constantly texting, bet I can guess who she was texting, I remember when I was like that.

The rotoract meeting was in the county arms. Luke pissed me off and most people left after an hour, but I stayed along with Jack, Peter and Zach. Had some dinner and good chatter. Left quite late. Walked back with Zack via Onestop which we got to just before it closed.

Today it was pancake day and made and ate loads in Bianca and Laura. It felt good being able to enjoy eating them, even if I do now feel really guilty, but hey, its just once a year.

2/3/2014

Managed to sleep all through the night which is rare. Also had quite a detailed dream, which he did feature quite prominently in, mainly involving me wanting him and just a whole load of random stuff. I remember that he had his own place.

Today has been alright. Finished my dissertation, just need to sort out the presentation, front cover and get it printed so I can take it to reprographics. The crème egg brownies tasted even nicer today, shame there are none left now.

Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to ask people in my lecture about sorting dissertation stuff out and it looks like I will be going to the rotoract meeting as it will at the County Arms.

1/3/2014

Thursday night I managed to stay up and watch Nashville which I quite enjoyed. I also managed to sleep all the way through the night which was very nice.

Saw cross trainer guy for the first time in ages and he was looking very tanned, so I guess he had been away (I was starting to get a bit worried about him) Sean bought a mango into lecture, which was very random, we all had a chuckle watching him try to eat it in the break. The lecture itself was actually good and finished early for a change which made me happy. Sat in the library and saw a car driving in the car park and I wondered if it was his car, it was as I saw him get out and walked to what I'm guessing was the sports hall, I thought he would already have been there for benchball but I guess he was meeting them at the end. Max sat by me in the library and decided to leave at the same time as me, so I ended up walking back with him. That guy is really started to creep me out.

Got some dissertation work done last night and some more earlier today. That was till I came downstairs and saw Vicky was round and her and Bianca were making crème egg brownies and had bought loads of junk food/snacks. So basically I have just eaten fuck loads this evening.

27/2/2014

Well last night I watched a bit of First Dates. There was a guy on there who was quite geeky and had terrible hair. I also found him to be a bit annoying in his manner of speaking. On his date he was asked his interest and the music he liked. He said obsecure heavy metal bands. At this point I was thinking please don't say Nightwish. Well that was the first band he mentioned followed by Lacuna Coil, Within Temptation, Alestorm amongst others. I laughed so hard that I hit myself in the face and had a nose bleed.

Terrible nights sleep, kept feeling stressed over my dissertation and getting in binded and what not. Saw Max on my way to lecture, he was going to Oxford. In my lecture we were shown this video of a guy who goes all around the world getting people together dancing. The music being played in the background was really nice and just made me want to go out and travel more.

26/2/2014

The Vampire Diaries did not disappoint last night and there was a new character who is yet another hottie, Enzo I think his name is. Went to put on clean pyjamas last night but didn't have any clean winter tops, and well I was cold last night and I woke up quite a few times.

Went into town this morning just to get a few toiletries and a pyjama top. Proud of myself for resisting all temptations especially when I had a dream of drinking milkshakes last night. Spent the afternoon in my room reading, just trying to not get too stressed and just take each day as it comes.

25/2/2014

Annoyed that I just missed the bus which meant that I didn't quite make the 12.30 train so had to get the 1.30. Wanted to buy a drink from the shop on the platform but was surprised that they were closing but he let me quickly get a drink. Alright train journey, managed to finish a draft of my chapter 3 and emailed it to Denise. Got my fav type of the free biscuits on the train. My dad picked me up from the station and on the way home he told me that I would have to get a bus from Basingstoke the next day when I go back. This put me in a fowl mood which I took out on everyone, which I do feel bad for but I did later apologise. It didn't help that I got home at the same time as Vicki and all her lot arrived, then my nan, Karen and Daisy came round, so too much noise and I needed to get ready to meet Lillybeth and then go to the pub at 5 to see Graham and Reema. Had a couple nice drinks with them.

I am happy for Lillybeth as things are going well with Liam and I was surprised when she said that he had said that he was worried about me. Was home by 7 and did some more work and had some more drinks whilst my family were all out having a meal in a pub which turned out to be one of the roughest pubs in Birmingham.

Sunday it was Ryan's christening. Lasted less than an hour which I was very thankful for, but I did have Josh next to me who kept me entertained. Especially when he asked me why babies are christened and I told him it was to save the soul from purgatory. I also had a big hug off Naomi which made me feel loved. Went to a pub for the after party and I won £20. Not sure how, all I did was pick a team at random. Watched the villa match on TV which was disappointing as they lost.

Just about got the train, didn't really like the journey back as sat behind someone very annoying. They had there Skype and using it watch the winter Olympics ceremony thing, but I did have cake, free biscuits and wine.

The coach wasn't too bad, but I was so tired when I got in.

Yesterday I finished a draft for my conclusion, now I just need to edit it, but still just constantly feeling stressed. Didn't go to the rotoract meeting as I wasn't feeling great.

Today haven't done much, but looking forward to TVD being back on TV tonight.

21/02/2014

Quite a shock to wake up to a blue clear sky this morning. Didn't have a lecture today as it was reading week so I got to spend longer in bed.

So whilst I was walking into the KKB, there was 3 Americans coming out, who I walked past. One of them was her. This was the first time that I have seen her close and the first time I have actually seen her knowing it was her since Detention. And yeah I did feel a stab of pain. At least when I was in the KKB I was able to use my voucher for free coffee and cake, so I got millionaire shortbread (one of my fav things). I needed it after that.

After lunch I left the LC for the library. Walking out I just happened to look over the balcony down into the foodhall and I saw him. Still overall I'm trying to keep positive, taking each day at a time. In the library Dan came and sat at the computer next to me. Had a nice chat. He is a nice to guy to chat to, though I do feel embarrassed every time I see him because of that night at Detention and the state I was in.

Not sure how I feel about going home now as lillybeth who wanted a girly chat, I barely gonna see her as she will be going to Liam's and she will be with in the day as well, as I offered to pick her up on the way to mine from the station.

20/2/2014

Only got one prediction for the Brits right last night and that was Tom Odell for best breakthrough. Couldn't get to sleep last night, wasn't tired and my stomache really hurt, properly due to all the dry apricots I ate. Whilst I was bored I watched some South park on my ipad and then depressing songs on youtube, at which point a random thought occurred to me. I wondered if she was on youtube. So on a whim I typed her name in and found that she had a channel. She can play guitar and sing, she just keeps o getting more attractive. She is also a directioner and Liam is her fav. I also found her instagram and saw more pictures I didn't want to see.

Walking to uni this morning I saw the mother of all walk of shames. James Whitcher in a short dress. To make matters worse it was completely pissing it down with rain. Group meeting was a little productive, but they are all a nice bunch of people. The lecture which was meant to start at 12 didn't actually start till 20 past 1. Emma had some tasks for us, Do a survey which her and Hugues were doing for research, write ideas down for the 3rd year party and the national student survey. Well I had actually already done this survey but she still gave me a voucher for either pizza or cake. Then two girls in my group gave me their vouchers as they never go to main campus, so now I will have 3 extra ones which I will look forward to using. Will go for a pizza this time with one of them. Also have some plan for Saturday, hopefully.

19/2/2014

It was so random last night, Benji messaged me asking if he could come visit me next weekend. Its nice that he wants to visit but I just feel that it would be awkward if he did. Its a long way for him to drive just to hang out.

I found the fb group for VESA Fiji and found that there is another girl from Birmingham going.

Every morning its another day, just trying to fight another day. One of my favourite songs at the moment came on; Emilie Autumn - One Step In Front Of The Other.

Bumped into Luke, I thought he was meant to be selling cakes today. Leaving the library I saw Jon and we talked about dissertations. Also had a brief chat with Sean, he thinks the CIA will arrest him because of his dissertation. So walking out of uni I saw him and yea it hurt. He was with one of the americans and they went to Beachglade where the Americans all stay, so properly going to see her. At least he didn't see me as  I was walking behind him.

The evening will be spent watching the Brit awards, and im regretting my predictions already.

18/2/2014

My lecture yesterday got cancelled, which is a tad annoying as he said that we will now have a lecture in week 9, but at least this way I got more time to spend on my dissertation. I was meant to go round to Luke's for rotaract meeting and baking. I gave it a miss as I didn't want to go back outin the rain. Plus this whole bake sale ended up being a miss as he didn't organise it properly, which doesn't surprise me.

Today I didn't really do anything, came back from uni early as I wasn't feeling great. Turns out there were some other people doing a cake sale at the terrace bar. Some people raising money for a trip to Kenya, similar to what I will be doing. I did get a very nice rocky road. Currently getting very pissed off at my laptop, which is actually quite often.

16/2/2014

Friday was shit, apart from seeing rishi in the learning café where he tried to convince me to go into town with him and get KFC. Left uni at the wrong time. The weather got really bad and carried on throughout the night. It was stressing me out, I was worried about my car but it was alright. I have never known wind like it, barely got any sleep it was so loud and I was stressed and anxious.

In the morning I noticed in the garden that the spare fences had been blown over and broke the bench. Went to Beth's house party, got very drunk. Did well playing beer pong. I also got a cleansweep in paranoid for most likely to be into bondage. Very true! But unfortunately i'm not getting none and the guy who introduced me ditched me, I guess he was never that interested. I met a guy called Jon who said he was drawn to me because I was quiet and not loud like everyone else. Had a very good and thoughtful conversation with him. I had actually heard of him from when I have been fb stalking as he does Benchball.

Very hungover today and feeling very down. Hit with another wave of anguish and hurt. I need to sort my life out. Say that far too often these days.

13/2/2014

Feeling so overwhelmed with uni work. Hit by another storm yesterday.

Trying to be more positive today. Was a little annoyed that my group meeting was cancelled. Lecture was really boring. Have decided firmly that the event industry is not for me. I started to think that my dream job would be a travel writer. Went to the learning café after lecture and Sean was there yet again, it does annoy me a bit that he is always there. Was going to go to book club but having not gone this year I feel that its a bit late to get into it now although it would be nice to make some new friends. Came home to a valentines card from the bestie, which really put a smile on my face, just what I needed. I can't make my mind up if I regret deleting him off facebook now or not, by the looks of things he hasn't been to Bop the last two weeks. I can deal with things now but at the time I needed a complete cut.

11/2/2014

The rotaract meeting yesterday was again pointless. Enjoyed being home in the evening and just chilled and had cosmopolitan magazine to read, thanks to Bianca.

I can't believe how much it has rained and how much flooding there has been and still to come. Im just so thankful that I have not been affected by flooding. Got my American Conspiracies assignment 2 back, wish I hadn't since it was another crap mark. Had a meeting with my dissertation supervisor, went alright, need to change how I put in the images and where I reference them. Scary that I have less than 4 weeks, but if i'm honest i'm feeling more stressed about the assignments I have to hand in afterwards. Had an embarrassing moment in the LC. I had my headphones in and had just finished eating a packet of these spicy popcorn, so my nose was running and I had seasoning on my fingers so I was licking them. At this point I noticed that the guy and on the computer next to me was trying to ask my something. He was asking if he could borrow a pen and to add to the embarrassment he was also very hot. What was also funny was later when I was driving to sainsburys I drove past him.

I was reading Veronica Varlows danger dame blog which was about valentines day. I quite enjoyed reading it and has gotten me to think of the day in a new perspective. I'm tempted now to put notes around saying 'Valentines day is dumb, but you are awesome!'

9/2/2014

Very windy last night, it was freaking me out a bit. But other than that I actually had a good nights sleep. Have been recently which makes a nice change, hope I haven't now jinxed myself. Had a dream that I went to Disneyland. Lots of random people in my dream, didn't quite make it the park. There was also a sense of foreboding about the dream. And throughout it was after something but never quite reaching it.

Havent done much today. Bianca was supposed to come home today but she was too hungover so she will be coming back tomorrow. Definetly know how she feels, been there myself, last summer when I went home for a couple of days and had to stay an extra night as I was too hungover to face the train journey. Watched one of my favourite films this evening, The Notebook. Whilst watching it something came to my mind; to see if something in your present matters just think of your life in the future eg 10 years from now, if you see something from your present in your future then it is worth holding onto.

8/2/2014

On Thursday I got on well with my group for presenting events. In the evening I watched Sleeping Beauty and eat loads of chocolate in bed. Probably not the best film for me to watch at the moment.

In lecture on Friday student union people came in to get us to fill out the national survey and got a voucher for free cake or pizza from the KKB, I went for the cake and got a chocolate brownie which was nice. Last night we were originally meant to go to the cinema to see American Hustle, but decided to go to Flirt instead. I preferred this plan. Pre drinks were at Fae's and met some new people, all round good company. Tanisha was there and we had an interesting talk. Felt very stupid as I got refused entry into Flirt for being too drunk apparently. I hate bouncers, I was just a bit stumbly as I was wearing heels and not doing to well with my fag. Serves me right for smoking especially when I don't normally smoke. Fae did try to get me in but no luck. I walked home in the pouring rain, made me think of the last time I walked back from the SU on my own in the rain. When I got in I tried out my Christmas present.

Today I was meant to meet rotaract and go round town but went round town by myself as I couldn't be bothered. Though I did see them when I was waiting for the bus home. I also saw Dan and Jenny.

05/02/2014

Very wet and windy last night and this morning due to a storm. It was another day at uni not much to note, however coming back from getting my lunch, as I went to sit back at my computer in the LC I saw him leaving and then walked outside. How did I miss him? I hope he didn't see me, not that I should care. Later on in the afternoon, I saw him again, this time he was walking past on the outside of the LC, seems kind of a strange direction for him to come from, I wonder if he had been to see her. Also I'm now starting to have enough of Gone with the Wind.

4/2/2014

Watched the last half of gone with the wind last night. Strange how I have fallen in love with it. Scarlett is so flawed yet I love her and I can really relate with her and Rhett, though there romance is so frustrating yet I love them, and I love the quotes. 'Fiddle de dee', 'Tomorrow is another day'. Although Bianca kinda rained on my parade with that one by saying once 'unless you die in your sleep, then you don't have tomorrow'. She had a point.

Not happy this morning. The electrician was here and nobody told me. It didn't exactly affect me since there was someone else in but it would have been nice to have been told. Wish I had taken my ipad to sainsburys with me so I could use the wifi in starbucks and have a nice drink, as no internet at home as the electricity had to be switched off. Didn't like the electrician guy he made some comments which I found insulting but I shrugged it off. Fed up with people taking the piss out of American Studies and he said that im the wrong colour to be from Birmingham. Screw him.

Usual stresses over uni work and what to do after uni.

03/02/2014

Another boring evening in last night. Watched Philadelphia for my lecture on Friday. I enjoyed much more than what I anticipated. Tom Hanks is such an incredible actor and I feel that I need to watch more of his films.

Not really sure what kind of mood I was in this morning but I did have a good nights sleep which makes a nice change. Saw a random guy in a baboon mask walk past the LC. I don't think I saw him today but there are so many guys who look like him and I think I now have an established type. It will always hurt but i'm over it.

Quite enjoyed my lecture. The disscussions were all interesting, for instance if you get lost in Texas make sure you have a map as if you stop to ask for directions you will be shot before you make it to the door.

Another Gloomy Sunday... but not for the weather, which makes a change

Ate far too many sultanas last night. When will I ever learn, but I love dried fruit too much.

Watched the Nightwish Storytime documentary, aprt from that the day has been boring and uneventful. Just more attempts at trying to do uni work.

I will never know

Alright day yesterday. Got absolutely soaked walking back from uni. Rhiannon was in lecture, brief talk about her American friends. Lots of talk over whether to go out or not, I was up for it as we had planned. We did go out eventually with a couple of friends. Went to slug then Alfies. There was power cut in Alfies but they reminded open and were still serving. Bit of a weird and novel experience.

Didn't stay out late but we continued drinking when we got home and played dodgy dice. Smoked a bit too much. My best friend got in a relationship, so happy for her. Saw on Rhiannon's facebook that she had encountered the power cut and she had tagged certain people in the status. I commented on it, so now im like dunno...

Felt so rough this morning. My parents came down to visit which was very nice and we went to lunch at the Royal Oak. Pretty much felt down for the rest of the day.

Last Ride Of The Day

Watched the CBB final and Jim won, which I was pleased, almost got the right order for everyone coming out. Had a terrible nights sleep. Too warm and overall just very uncomfortable. Had a dream about him again, another one in which he is unattainable.

The day started off ok, but walking from main campus to West Downs was gut wrenching. Its ironic, I was walking past Alwyn and remembered that they put some American students in there and was thinking I wonder if she is there. Well I see that she is as when I got to the car park I saw his car. It was like a knife in my heart. I know they are together but it still hurts just as much everytime I get a concrete reminder. I guess its because of the dream I had last night and when I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep I was feeling horny and thinking of him and I felt alright.

So with the stab of emotional pain in mind I then carried on walking and saw Max. Stopped for a quick chat which was nice and did feel like I was rescued a bit. In lecture we found out our groups, and I'm working with four girls who I didn't know before, most of them seem quite nice. Also found out that 2 second years as part of their PDEE module will be throwing all the 3rd years a leaving party. Quite liking the sound of this I just hope that it doesn't clash with my exam or presentation.

Swansong for a Raven

Felt more emotionally stronger this morning. Also saw Robin again, funny how I keep bumping into him, just slightly a bit embarrassing. Spent the day at uni, got very stressed over my dissertation, my chapter 3 is feeling impossible right now, so much to do before I can write it but not enough time. Had Chinese with Laura and Lloyd, eat far too many prawn crackers. Feeling a bit left out amongst my housemates and a bit of a third wheel, but hey ho. Came on my period. Third one now, scared I wouldn't get anymore, so quite relived.

28/1/2014

So I am happily sat in the LC and who should walk in but him. He was in there for quite a bit, pretty sure he didn't see me at first but it still felt like time had stopped. When he went and sat with a couple of his friends he was sat in a place where he must have seen me, my heart was racing, I was shaking, I wanted to get out of there. I never looked in his direction, I was too scared. It would have hurt to much to see him pretending to not notice me. I then had the joy of seeing Rhiannon later in lecture. Had rotoract meeting followed by joining the debating society. I couldn't stand them. When I walked in I felt like I had walked in to virgins anonymous. Chilled evening, had a nice chat with the bestie. Listened to Nina Nesbit and have a new girl crush on her. Cried a bit last night.

Today was another day. The best bit was the vanilla spiced mocha I had in Starbucks, absolutely lush.

Will it ever stop raining?

Got absolutely soaked going to uni and back this morning. I saw Robin and its funny how it doesn't even bother me when I do occasionally bump into him, though it is a pity that he won't even say hi to me. 2 of my housemates came back this afternoon, Lloyd is coming back tomorrow. Last night I did end up going on POF, see how long I will last till I get bored. This weekend hasn't been bad at all. I rather enjoyed having the house to myself and didn't feel down at all, though that might be because I haven't seen anything on facebook. I am slightly concerned about my stomach, still doesn't feel right but better than yesterday and my tooth/gum has been feeling saw now for over 2 weeks, I should really go to the dentist as I haven't been since before uni, so about 3 years.

25/1/2014

I quite liked my lecture yesterday aside from it over running and I don't like my lecturer but it was all about Disney and now I am having a larger than usual craving to go to Disneyland. Not sure I actually saw any glimpses of him, but ever since I met him, in my mind he has been everywhere, like nearly every guy I see who has any resemblance to him, I think could be him.

My lecturer made a comment about true love which really got me thinking. I have never been a believer in true love but when he said that true love needs no words, its something which is unfathomable. That word, I have been thinking that word all to often recently. Its the only word that describes how I feel as nothing makes sense. Not that im saying that I loved him. I feel like a fraud for ever getting this upset.

I stayed in the learning café for a bit after my lecturer and bumped into Rishi who invited me to the county last night for his friends birthday. I joined and we ended up going to Flirt. His friends who I all met last night were really great and nice people and I had a very good time. I did find Max a bit weird and he did come onto me a bit. Another guy who I think his name is Martin also came onto me and I did end up kissing him and I think he is the worse kisser I have encountered. They people I met last night were all older than me which makes a nice change. One of the girls did American studies and the others had all at some point had one of my American studies lecturer so it was nice having things in common and a good chat about lecturers.

Woke up feeling rather hungover which was no surprise and not really done anything. Watched Open Water which to be honest is a pretty shit film. I could be better, such as having a couple who actually come across as being an actual couple and more storyline such as they could have been going on the trip as their honeymoon, just something to bond with the characters more. But I do thing that it has to be one of the most terryfing ways to die. Now i'm just contemplating whether or not to go back on POF.

23/1/2014

Thankfully I woke up feeling much better. Though today was harder emotionally. As per usual I saw Rhiannon's Bop pictures. I got to West Downs for my lecture and accompanied Jess round the back whilst she had a fag. I could see the back of Rhiannon's house and I can't be sure but I think I might have saw him outside and then in the window, but it was at a distance so I can't be sure. Still even seeing him was gut wrenching and felt like my heart was being squeezed, but it is getting easier. The lecture was depressing, everyone seems to have prospects for working in the events industry meanwhile I still have no idea what I want to do. Made myself feel better by making Gingerbread people when I got home, though they are not as nice as the last ones I made, they aren't as soft and less flavour. I thought that might be the case as I didn't think I put enough ginger and cinnamon in.

Still feeling bad about the argument I had with my parents last night and not looking forward to this weekend as I will be on my own giving me more time to dwell in him. I can't even remember what I used to think about before I met him. I have become the sort of person I can't stand.

http://instagram.com/nattums7

22/1/2014 - Getting there.. in some respects

Friday morning the first song to come up on my ipod really described how I felt about the situation over the past few months. the song was Rest in Peace from the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire slayer. So anyway I was in the learning café waiting for my coffee when I see him walk past. Just a glimpse of him, I think I felt alright with it, well maybe at the time I might have felt emotional. I had Rhiannon in my lecturer later that day and she was uploading pics from the night before. I didn like those pics.

Left lecture earlier as I couldn't be bothered to stay for the whole viewing of Brave. Not home long and Laura suggests going in to town for a drink. I liked this plan. So her Lloyd and me went to Alfies, had 10 of their really nice shots. Had a really good time there and we left not long after 10 and got the taxi to drop us off at onestop so we could buy booze to drink back home. We did this whilst playing a fun drinking game that Laura got for xmas, which ended up in Lloyd going down to his boxers. Hope we play this game again in the future.

Woke up Saturday feeling not the freshest. Was pretty miserable for the most of the day for the usual reason at the moment. In the evening we all went to Fae's house party. Bianca didn't stay long as she wasn't feeling very well. Met a nice guy there who is a second year and from North Carolina. He laughed when I told him about my dissertation. Haven't spoken to him since but whilst he was nice he was a bit weird, he never took his coat off all night. Some of us went out to O'neils which was a lot better than I thought. At the end of the night we went to the chippy where I bumped into Rishi, pretty random! All in all a good coupled of nights which was just what I needed.

Sunday I wasn't feeling my best, and pretty boring day.

Monday was yet another day. Sat in the learning café and I saw him walk past twice and he was wearing his glasses. I wonder if he had spent the night at hers, I knew they were at the pub the night before from Rhiannon. I shouldn't think about it but I can't help it but it is getting better now. After my lecture I accompanied Laura and Bianca to the library and discovered there was a lift. coming out the lift I can't be 100% sure but I think I saw him!

Tuesday was boring had an evening to myself indulging on xmas chocolate in front of Cloverfield.

Today I woke up feeling really ill, well faint, couldn't even make it to the uni, not that I needed to go. In the afternoon I was feeling a bit better and really wanted to leave the house so I took my laptop and went to starbucks to do some work and have a vanilla spiced hot chocolate which was lush. As I got back home there were four girls outside with Bianca who had been viewing the house and decided they were going to take it. A good thing as I was worried no one would want this house and this means that I won't have to have anymore house viewings. Today I also prepared some dough to make gingerbread people, which i'm leaving to chill overnight and make tomorrow.

16/01/2014

Woke up in a not so great mood. Well I got woken up in the night by Bianca coming home from Bop, go knows what she was doing up in her room, but she made a lot of noise. I was just feeling in a fragile mood at this time, I know I woke up a few times throughout the night and had another tantalising and cruel dream about him. Unfortunately I do understand the symbolism in these dreams as they all mean that he is unattainable.

Had my first presenting events lecture and was partnered with Sam, a relief as I was scared I wouldn't have a partner, will have to wait till next week to see who else I will be partnered with. Have a few ideas of what we could possibly do, but dreading having to do the presentation.

Saw pictures of certain people at Bop, I may have deleted him off fb but I still end up seeing stuff. I feel like a door for new experiences and awakenings was opened for me but before I made it through, the door has been shut in my face.

Just found out one of my uni friends has had her studies suspended due to health reasons. Really gutted for her as this is the last semester of the final year and I will miss her.

My lecturer today said a quote that I really related to; 'He/she who asks a question is a fool for 5 minutes, he/she who never asks a question is a fool for a life time' Made me think of all the questions I should have asked but was too scared to.

15/01/2014

So last night I tried sleeping pills for the first time and woke up in a surprisingly good/ok mood. However this has diminished as the day has gone on.

I was supposed to meet my dad this afternoon at the train station. Though due to problems with the trains this didn't happen. A shame as I could really have done with seeing him however when I found out that he wasn't planning on staying I was glad I didn't meet him, but I do need my stuff. Spent the rest of the day doing nothing. I'm scared i'm going to end up balling my eyes out tonight, I can feel it. Life really isn't pretty right now.