Last Ride Of The Day

Watched the CBB final and Jim won, which I was pleased, almost got the right order for everyone coming out. Had a terrible nights sleep. Too warm and overall just very uncomfortable. Had a dream about him again, another one in which he is unattainable.

The day started off ok, but walking from main campus to West Downs was gut wrenching. Its ironic, I was walking past Alwyn and remembered that they put some American students in there and was thinking I wonder if she is there. Well I see that she is as when I got to the car park I saw his car. It was like a knife in my heart. I know they are together but it still hurts just as much everytime I get a concrete reminder. I guess its because of the dream I had last night and when I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep I was feeling horny and thinking of him and I felt alright.

So with the stab of emotional pain in mind I then carried on walking and saw Max. Stopped for a quick chat which was nice and did feel like I was rescued a bit. In lecture we found out our groups, and I'm working with four girls who I didn't know before, most of them seem quite nice. Also found out that 2 second years as part of their PDEE module will be throwing all the 3rd years a leaving party. Quite liking the sound of this I just hope that it doesn't clash with my exam or presentation.

Swansong for a Raven

Felt more emotionally stronger this morning. Also saw Robin again, funny how I keep bumping into him, just slightly a bit embarrassing. Spent the day at uni, got very stressed over my dissertation, my chapter 3 is feeling impossible right now, so much to do before I can write it but not enough time. Had Chinese with Laura and Lloyd, eat far too many prawn crackers. Feeling a bit left out amongst my housemates and a bit of a third wheel, but hey ho. Came on my period. Third one now, scared I wouldn't get anymore, so quite relived.

28/1/2014

So I am happily sat in the LC and who should walk in but him. He was in there for quite a bit, pretty sure he didn't see me at first but it still felt like time had stopped. When he went and sat with a couple of his friends he was sat in a place where he must have seen me, my heart was racing, I was shaking, I wanted to get out of there. I never looked in his direction, I was too scared. It would have hurt to much to see him pretending to not notice me. I then had the joy of seeing Rhiannon later in lecture. Had rotoract meeting followed by joining the debating society. I couldn't stand them. When I walked in I felt like I had walked in to virgins anonymous. Chilled evening, had a nice chat with the bestie. Listened to Nina Nesbit and have a new girl crush on her. Cried a bit last night.

Today was another day. The best bit was the vanilla spiced mocha I had in Starbucks, absolutely lush.

Will it ever stop raining?

Got absolutely soaked going to uni and back this morning. I saw Robin and its funny how it doesn't even bother me when I do occasionally bump into him, though it is a pity that he won't even say hi to me. 2 of my housemates came back this afternoon, Lloyd is coming back tomorrow. Last night I did end up going on POF, see how long I will last till I get bored. This weekend hasn't been bad at all. I rather enjoyed having the house to myself and didn't feel down at all, though that might be because I haven't seen anything on facebook. I am slightly concerned about my stomach, still doesn't feel right but better than yesterday and my tooth/gum has been feeling saw now for over 2 weeks, I should really go to the dentist as I haven't been since before uni, so about 3 years.

25/1/2014

I quite liked my lecture yesterday aside from it over running and I don't like my lecturer but it was all about Disney and now I am having a larger than usual craving to go to Disneyland. Not sure I actually saw any glimpses of him, but ever since I met him, in my mind he has been everywhere, like nearly every guy I see who has any resemblance to him, I think could be him.

My lecturer made a comment about true love which really got me thinking. I have never been a believer in true love but when he said that true love needs no words, its something which is unfathomable. That word, I have been thinking that word all to often recently. Its the only word that describes how I feel as nothing makes sense. Not that im saying that I loved him. I feel like a fraud for ever getting this upset.

I stayed in the learning café for a bit after my lecturer and bumped into Rishi who invited me to the county last night for his friends birthday. I joined and we ended up going to Flirt. His friends who I all met last night were really great and nice people and I had a very good time. I did find Max a bit weird and he did come onto me a bit. Another guy who I think his name is Martin also came onto me and I did end up kissing him and I think he is the worse kisser I have encountered. They people I met last night were all older than me which makes a nice change. One of the girls did American studies and the others had all at some point had one of my American studies lecturer so it was nice having things in common and a good chat about lecturers.

Woke up feeling rather hungover which was no surprise and not really done anything. Watched Open Water which to be honest is a pretty shit film. I could be better, such as having a couple who actually come across as being an actual couple and more storyline such as they could have been going on the trip as their honeymoon, just something to bond with the characters more. But I do thing that it has to be one of the most terryfing ways to die. Now i'm just contemplating whether or not to go back on POF.

23/1/2014

Thankfully I woke up feeling much better. Though today was harder emotionally. As per usual I saw Rhiannon's Bop pictures. I got to West Downs for my lecture and accompanied Jess round the back whilst she had a fag. I could see the back of Rhiannon's house and I can't be sure but I think I might have saw him outside and then in the window, but it was at a distance so I can't be sure. Still even seeing him was gut wrenching and felt like my heart was being squeezed, but it is getting easier. The lecture was depressing, everyone seems to have prospects for working in the events industry meanwhile I still have no idea what I want to do. Made myself feel better by making Gingerbread people when I got home, though they are not as nice as the last ones I made, they aren't as soft and less flavour. I thought that might be the case as I didn't think I put enough ginger and cinnamon in.

Still feeling bad about the argument I had with my parents last night and not looking forward to this weekend as I will be on my own giving me more time to dwell in him. I can't even remember what I used to think about before I met him. I have become the sort of person I can't stand.

http://instagram.com/nattums7

22/1/2014 - Getting there.. in some respects

Friday morning the first song to come up on my ipod really described how I felt about the situation over the past few months. the song was Rest in Peace from the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire slayer. So anyway I was in the learning café waiting for my coffee when I see him walk past. Just a glimpse of him, I think I felt alright with it, well maybe at the time I might have felt emotional. I had Rhiannon in my lecturer later that day and she was uploading pics from the night before. I didn like those pics.

Left lecture earlier as I couldn't be bothered to stay for the whole viewing of Brave. Not home long and Laura suggests going in to town for a drink. I liked this plan. So her Lloyd and me went to Alfies, had 10 of their really nice shots. Had a really good time there and we left not long after 10 and got the taxi to drop us off at onestop so we could buy booze to drink back home. We did this whilst playing a fun drinking game that Laura got for xmas, which ended up in Lloyd going down to his boxers. Hope we play this game again in the future.

Woke up Saturday feeling not the freshest. Was pretty miserable for the most of the day for the usual reason at the moment. In the evening we all went to Fae's house party. Bianca didn't stay long as she wasn't feeling very well. Met a nice guy there who is a second year and from North Carolina. He laughed when I told him about my dissertation. Haven't spoken to him since but whilst he was nice he was a bit weird, he never took his coat off all night. Some of us went out to O'neils which was a lot better than I thought. At the end of the night we went to the chippy where I bumped into Rishi, pretty random! All in all a good coupled of nights which was just what I needed.

Sunday I wasn't feeling my best, and pretty boring day.

Monday was yet another day. Sat in the learning café and I saw him walk past twice and he was wearing his glasses. I wonder if he had spent the night at hers, I knew they were at the pub the night before from Rhiannon. I shouldn't think about it but I can't help it but it is getting better now. After my lecture I accompanied Laura and Bianca to the library and discovered there was a lift. coming out the lift I can't be 100% sure but I think I saw him!

Tuesday was boring had an evening to myself indulging on xmas chocolate in front of Cloverfield.

Today I woke up feeling really ill, well faint, couldn't even make it to the uni, not that I needed to go. In the afternoon I was feeling a bit better and really wanted to leave the house so I took my laptop and went to starbucks to do some work and have a vanilla spiced hot chocolate which was lush. As I got back home there were four girls outside with Bianca who had been viewing the house and decided they were going to take it. A good thing as I was worried no one would want this house and this means that I won't have to have anymore house viewings. Today I also prepared some dough to make gingerbread people, which i'm leaving to chill overnight and make tomorrow.

16/01/2014

Woke up in a not so great mood. Well I got woken up in the night by Bianca coming home from Bop, go knows what she was doing up in her room, but she made a lot of noise. I was just feeling in a fragile mood at this time, I know I woke up a few times throughout the night and had another tantalising and cruel dream about him. Unfortunately I do understand the symbolism in these dreams as they all mean that he is unattainable.

Had my first presenting events lecture and was partnered with Sam, a relief as I was scared I wouldn't have a partner, will have to wait till next week to see who else I will be partnered with. Have a few ideas of what we could possibly do, but dreading having to do the presentation.

Saw pictures of certain people at Bop, I may have deleted him off fb but I still end up seeing stuff. I feel like a door for new experiences and awakenings was opened for me but before I made it through, the door has been shut in my face.

Just found out one of my uni friends has had her studies suspended due to health reasons. Really gutted for her as this is the last semester of the final year and I will miss her.

My lecturer today said a quote that I really related to; 'He/she who asks a question is a fool for 5 minutes, he/she who never asks a question is a fool for a life time' Made me think of all the questions I should have asked but was too scared to.

15/01/2014

So last night I tried sleeping pills for the first time and woke up in a surprisingly good/ok mood. However this has diminished as the day has gone on.

I was supposed to meet my dad this afternoon at the train station. Though due to problems with the trains this didn't happen. A shame as I could really have done with seeing him however when I found out that he wasn't planning on staying I was glad I didn't meet him, but I do need my stuff. Spent the rest of the day doing nothing. I'm scared i'm going to end up balling my eyes out tonight, I can feel it. Life really isn't pretty right now.